Mocking the NBA Draft Lottery

Every year I make sure to watch the NBA Draft Lottery on ESPN. I could certainly just look up who got the first pick afterwards instead of wasting 30 minutes of my life watching something whose viewer ratings are lower than the Game Show Network, but I still like to watch it.I like to laugh at all of the people sitting there wishing they were somewhere else, but instead having to sit there talking about their good luck charms with some 5th rate ESPN reporter. I like to laugh at the fact that people actually think they're good luck charms work, to the point where some people go way overboard and bring all sorts of crazy charms. I like to laugh at the fact that some representatives are perfect representatives of their team because they are just like the team they represent, washed up (see Chris Webber and Allan Houston). I like to laugh at the fact that these washed up representatives are basically being told by their former teams, "we want you to be an important part of our organization, not playing per se, or any sort of management, but we want you to by our draft lottery representative.

I like to laugh at how ESPN drags it out for 30 minutes when it should really last about 3 by asking stupid questions. I like to laugh at how ESPN plays the dramatic music and takes dramatically placed commercial breaks in order to make it seem like this is something worth watching. I like to laugh at the fact that how ever dramatic they make it seem, the first 6-8 are almost always drawn in order. I like to laugh at the fact that representatives get to gloat about how many pinballs they have in the machine, when everyone knows that that is only the case because their team sucks. I like to laugh at the look on the representative of the worst team's face when they end up with the 4th pick. I like to laugh at the look of doom and disgust on Blake Griffin's face as he realizes that he will most likely have to spend the first 4 years of his career in a Clippers' jersey.

I like to laugh at Adam Silver. Seriously, the guy looks ridiculous. He looks like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons. What is his job anyway? All he ever does is the draft lottery and the 2nd round of the NBA Draft . The draft lottery and the 2nd round are to the 1st round as getting to sniff Kobe's jock strap is to getting his autograph, it may seem cool, but its just not the same, like at all. Most of all, I like to laugh at the fact that the NBA Draft Lottery has been televised for more than 15 years longer than the MLB Draft lottery has been televised. It took that long for them to realize that people would rather watch the draft of the future stars of America's favorite past time than a weird combination of benchwarmers, washed up former stars, front office people you've never heard of, random people, and of course Larry Bird, sit there while the most likely rigged fate of their franchise is revealed by a man who is pretty much getting David Stern's sloppy seconds.

Now for some actual basketball analysis, I can't see the Clippers taking anyone but Blake Griffin here (sorry, Blake, you're going to be a Clipper).

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *